Thanks to Eliza Gouverneur and co. for such and enjoyable Purim Shpiel. Here it is:

Hamentaschen Chronicles: The Musical

1.[The scene opens at the JCS.]
Narrator: At The Jewish Community of Shushan (the JCS), the CoPrez (Richard) has been spending all the JCS’s money on Manischewitz and lavish board meeting snacks. The Board retreat is into its 180th day, and the CoPrez desires some well-earned entertainment.

CoPrez: “CoPrez Eva-shti, this job is so hard. I need some entertainment. Dance for me. And let’s see what you have under that mink.”

Evashti: “That’s the last straw. I’ve had it with this job.:

“He gave me the mink seven winters ago
And the gown the following fall
Then the necklace, the bag, the gloves and the hat,
That was 3388, I recall.
And now, in front of this drunken Board,
He wants me to remove them all. Well!
Take back you mink,
Take back your pearls
What made you think
That I was one of those girls?
Take back the gown
The gloves and the hat
I may be down
But I’m not flat as all that.

I thought that each expensive gift you’d arranged
Was a token of your esteem
But when I think of what you want in exchange
It all seems a horrible dream

So take back your mink.
Those old worn out pelts
And go shorten the sleeves
For somebody else.

Take back you mink,
Take back your pearls
What made you think
That I was one of those girls?

Take back the gown
The gloves and the hat
I may be down
But I’m not flat as all that.

I thought that each expensive gift you’d arranged
Was a token of your esteem
But when I think of what you want in exchange
It all seems a horrible dream

Take back your mink
To from whence it came
And tell them to have it cleaned
For some other dame.” [Stomps off.]

CoPrez: “Why that ingrate! I’ll make her life a living hell. I’ll put her name down as the after-hours contact person, especially for when the alarm goes off!”

[The Finance Committee rushes in]: “CoPrez, CoPrez, we have a problem! The Reconstructionist Federation is tripling our affiliation fees. We’ll be ruined.”
Co Prez: “Don’t worry, don’t worry.” [waves them off and sings (to Summertime)]:
“Board Retreat, and the livin’ is easy.
Lox and whitefish, and the bagels piledhigh.
Your CoPrez is Rich and Evashti’sgood looking,
so Finance Committee, don’t you cry.”

[Finance committee members]:”But what will they do to us if we can’t pay?”
“They’ll kill us all.”
“Worse, we’ll have to raise the JCS dues!”
End part 1

2. Narrator: The Scene is the Black Sheep, where the CoPrezhas arranged a clandestine meeting. [CoPrezsits drinking coffee when someone comes in.]
CoPrez: “That evil Federation. They want to bankrupt us, and then where would they be?”
[Hidden behind him Aaron Bousel pokes up his head and says]: “Where would they be? Still in Philadelphia”

[Haman enters from other side.]
[CoPrez]: “Why it’s good old reliable Haman!
Haman, Haman, Haman, Detroit!
If you’re looking for action, his firm is the spot.
Even when the heat is on, it’s never too hot.
Not for good old reliable Haman!
Where it’s always just a short walk
To the oldest established, permanent floating,
Crap game in New York…”
He’ll be able to get us out of this pickle, I’m sure of it.” [Haman joins him.CoPrez rises and holds out his hand:]
CoPrez: “Glad you could come up here Haman, how was the bus?”
[Haman]:“It was okay until the border. We couldn’t cross the Tofu Curtain until we gave up our leather shoes. And I had to throw out my non-fair trade coffee.”
[CoPrez]:“Well, I’m glad you’re here. Like I told you, I’ve got to come up with some dough right away or the synagogue is going to have my head. What should I do?”
[Haman]: “Ah, not to worry, have I got a solution for you. Just what the Valley needs, and lots of opportunities for diverting some funds your way, if you know what I mean: open a Casino. I can see it now: Ahashuarus’s Palace. Or maybe The Mohegan Shemesh. Or how’s this, Hope and Feathers.”
[CoPrez]: “A casino! Here at the JCS?”
[Haman] “Why not? After all, we’re a tribe, right?” (look at congregation and wait for the laugh) “But we’ve got to move fast. There can only be one Casino on this side of the state, and the papers have to be in soon.”
[CoPrez] “I don’t know, Haman. What will the Board say?”
Haman sings (to Marry the Man Today – Guys and Dolls)

“Make up your mind today.
Trouble though that may be
Think how you like to play
Crazy and wild and free.
You need the cash today
Rather than sigh in sorrow
Sign on the line today
And tell the Board tomorrow.

Speaks: Carefully expose them to Casino life
show them all it can mean,
start with mahjong,
it’s a natural
go from pushke to slot machine!

[Resumes singing] Take up your pen today
Rather than sigh in sorrow
Sign on this line today
And tell the Board–tell the Board–the Board

[CoPrez signs the paper and leaves to other side.]
[Haman] : “Ah, my favorite thing—a binding decree.” [Haman leaves.
Then Aaron Bousel gets up from where he was sitting drinking his coffee.]
[Aaron:] “Now that was interesting. The Ritual Life Committee will hear about this!”

End Part 2

3. [Ritual Life Committee is gathered for a meeting.] Aaron: “Terrible news! The CoPrez is planning to turn the JCS into a Casino.”
[Various Rit Lifers]: “A Casino, you’re kidding. “Isn’t that taking Reconstructionism a little far?”
“What siddur will we use?”
“Good thing we put in that new sound system.”
“Karen Loeb better do the food, I don’t think pot luck will work.”
“The Rabbi would make a good emcee.”
“Maybe the chorus girls could do dance midrash.”
“Well, anyway it can’t go past midnight because no one knows how to turn off the alarm system.”
[Aaron]: ”Enough! We’ve got to talk this through, but none of this is on the agenda. We’re going to have to wait for ‘new business’.”
[Rit Lifers 1]“This can’t wait. We need to ask the Rabbi.”
[RitLifer 2] “But no one can disturb the Rabbi when he’s in his office.”
[Rit Lifer 3]“Unless he calls you in first, you know, extends the golden septre.”
[Rit Lifer 1]“But we’ve got to let him know what the CoPrez is planning. Aaron, you’re going to have to talk to Elise.”

[Aaron walks over to the other side and talks to Elise:] “Elise, you’ve got to do this. Everyone is depending on you.”
[Elise] “But I haven’t seen him in weeks. He’s only interested in his goats.” [Aaron] “Elise, whatever the cost, you’re the only one who can get through to him. Do whatever it takes! You’d hate to see little Frankie grow up to be a lounge singer, wouldn’t you?”
[Elise wrings her hands and sighs, but then says,]“All right. I’ll see what I can do.”

End Part 3

4. Elise lingers outside the Rabbi’s office, knocks, hums, then starts to sing:
“I love you, a bushel and a peck!
A bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck!
A hug around the neck, and a barrel and a heap
A barrel and a heap, and I’mtalkin’ in my sleep.
About you.
About you!
About you!
My heart is leapin’!
I’m having trouble sleepin’!
‘Cause I love you, a bushel and a peck
You bet your pretty neck I do!
Doodle, oodle, oodle.
Doodle, oodle, oodle.
Doodle oodleoodleoo.”

[The Rabbi comes out from behind Ark and sings:]
“I love you, a bushel and a peck
A bushel and a peck, oh it beats me all to heck!
Beats me all to heck how I’ll ever tend the farm
Ever tend the farm when I want to keep my
Arms – about you –
About you!
About you!”
Elise: “The cows and chickens
aregoin’ to the dickens!”

They sing together: ‘Cause I love you a bushel and a peck
You bet your pretty neck I do –
Doodle oodleoodle
Doodle oodleoodle
Doodle oodleoodle, oo!

[The pair retreat behind the Arkdoodle doo-ingfor a moment, then come out]

Elise: “Dear, I have to ask you a favor.”
“Tell me—whatever you want, up to an acre and a half.”
“The CoPrez wants to turn the JCS into a Casino.”
“A Casino? Why?”
“Because the CoPrez spent all the money on wine, women and whitefish. You’ve got to stop him.”
Rabbi, stroking his imaginary beard: “Hmm. There’s a Hassidic story by the SlotsmachinerRebbe of Trump… let me think. Ah, yes, make sure that someone tells the Unitarians.

[Elise looks puzzled, but walks across the stage to Aaron] “He says to tell the Unitarians!”

End Part 4

5. [Ritual Life Committee meets with the Unitarians.]
Aaron: “So we think you should be the ones to open the Casino. After all you don’t have the same restrictions about the food, and the Sabbath, and all those Thou Shalt Nots. It’s a perfect fit. What do you think?”
The Unitarians confer, then one steps up: “It’s a great idea, we’ll do it.” [signs a paper.]
[CoPrez and Haman enter, waving another paper.]
Haman: “Not so fast, I’ve got a binding decree here, signed by the CoPrez himself. There can only be one Casino in the Valley, and it will be the JCS.”
Unitarians say, “No, we’ve signed the papers. It’s ours!” Hear, oh JCS, the Valley Casino, the Casino is one.”
The Rabbi comes forward and says, “All right. It has come down to this. There can only be one Casino in the valley, but two are claiming it belongs to them. So we should cut the baby in half, No, wait, I meant, So in the tried and true tradition of our people we’re going to draw lots, or in the Reconstructionist version, shoot dice for it. And may the better gender-neutral congregation win.

[All]:“Luck be a lady tonight
Luck be a lady tonight
Luck if you’ve ever been a lady to begin with
Luck be a lady tonight.

So let’s keep the party polite
Never get out of my sight
Stick with me, baby, I’m the fellow you came in with
Luck be a lady
[quieter] Luck be a lady
Luck be a lady tonight.

[Rabbi blows on dice, turns and throws]
[Unitarians yell] It’s ours!

CoPrez, “What! You won! How can that be? Now what am I going to do.”
[Haman]: “I don’t know. I’m on the next bus to New York. [Exits, followed by rest, except Rabbi and chief Unitarian.]

Unitarian: “That worked out really well. Thanks for giving us the heads up. How did you know that it would work?”
[Rabbi] “Oh, you know what they say,tefillah, teshuvah and tzedakah can rescind the evil decree.” Holds up the dice.“ I prayed, I turned and I gave them away.” [pantomimes blowing on dice, turning around and throwing them down.The Rabbi gives the Unitarian a high five, then both exit.]

End Part 5

6. [Board meeting, table and chairs]
Board:“You got us in this mess. This is all your fault!”

CoPrez sings: “Call a lawyer and sue me,
Sue me
What can you do me,
I owe you.
Give a holler and hate me
Hate me
Go ahead, hate me!
I owe you.”

Board member 1: The best months of my life, I was a fool to give you!
Board member 2: When you wind up in jail
Don’t come to me to bail you out!

“Alright, already, I’m just a no-goodnick!
Alright, already, it’s true.
So nu.
So sue me, sue me
What can you do me?
I owe you.”

[Board members]: “How are we going to balance the budget?”
“A pot luck?”
“An auction?”
“A Guidebook?”
“Tell Elise to have another baby—it’s was good for the discretionary fund.”
“Tell her to have two!”
The Board shake their heads in disgust. “We’re lost!”
[From the right Evashti comes in]:
“Take back the mink, take back the pearls,
don’t you dare think that I am one of those girls.
I mean it!
Take back the gown, it makes me look fat,
I saved the receipt
Just please let me keep the hat.”

The Board members hold their heads and moan.
[Aaron rushes in]: “Wait! I have news. We’re saved!”
[Everyone gathers around] “You know when Elise risked her life and sang to the Rabbi? [all nod] Someone from the Literacy Project recorded it. [questioning oohs] They put it on YouTube. [ahh!] It’s gone viral!
Everyone knows of our plight, and they’ve been sending us money! We have enough for our Recon dues, and five hundred thousand left over.” [General celebration]

[Rabbisteps out front]: “With the extra funds we can buy musical instruments! We’ll finally be the most musical synagogue in the Valley. Just imaginethe Jewish Community of Shusan’sSimcha Torah procession”:

“Thirty-six shofars will lead the big parade
With a hundred and ten timbrels close at hand.
They’ll be followed by rows and rows of the finest virtuo-
Sos, the cream of ev’ry famous band.

Thirty-six shofars catch the morning sun
With a hundred and ten ugav right behind
More than a thousand lyres
Will be springing up like fires
There’ll be horns of ev’ry shape and kind.

There’ll be copper banded banjos in every hand
Plinkering, plunkering all along the way.
Double bells and dulcimers and pipes and drums
Each cornet having it’s big, fat say!

There’ll be gongs and psalterys, and nevel and kinnor,
Thundering, thundering louder than before
Tambourines of ev’ry size
And trumpeters who’ll improvise
A full octave higher than the score

Thirty six cornets hit the counterpoint,
While a hundred and ten timbrels blaze away.
To the rhythm of Harch! Harch! Harch!
All the congregants will march,
[slow to climax] and we’ll unroll the Torah all the way.”

Everyone marches off stage‘yai di dai-ing’ [to cheers].